


this party's just another haunted house (I can't wait to lose all my friends tomorrow!)

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus Will Say Fuck In 2020, Drunkenness, Episode: c02e092 Home Is Where the Heart Is, Gay Disasters, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, background mentions of beaujes, but sometimes. sometimes the lesbians are doing the same thing., incoherent compliments, sometimes we avoid our feelings by talking to lesbians about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22453714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: “How badly did I do?” he manages, when she sets him down on his bedroll and sits across from him, slightly amused expression on her face. He manages to push himself upright, mostly because he likes to sleep next to the walls, so that’s something to lean on.“At drinking?”“Sure, or—““Or… flirting? Was that flirting?”“I think it was an attempt?” He winces, a bit.(or: Drunk Caduceus: The Aftermath, featuring Lesbians)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Yasha, Caduceus Clay & Yasha & Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 30
Kudos: 350





	this party's just another haunted house (I can't wait to lose all my friends tomorrow!)

**Author's Note:**

> me: [is sad]  
> critrole 92: [is also sad]  
> critrole 92: [has one brief moment of caduceus being A Flirty Dork]  
> me: [immediately fixates]
> 
> title from "haunted house" by sir babygirl.

Yasha hauls him to bed after his second drink—something called a Sunrise, because Beau thinks it goes with his hair—because she is under the impression that Caduceus has a “fragile, uh, constitution,” a descriptor Caduceus dislikes mostly on principle. She’s right, and he hates it. But he likes Yasha, and being carried is nice in a weird way—a stray thought: Fjord’s a little bit stronger, now; he could probably carry Caduceus, who’s very light anyway, and _that’s_ a thing, oh no—so he’s not going to complain. About the Yasha thing. He will complain, to himself, about the stray thought, because that’s inappropriate and embarrassing.

“Why are you laughing,” Yasha says, more than asks, because she’s Yasha. He missed her so much; she’s so funny and so delightful and so very _Yasha_. And it seems that he _is_ laughing, and he attempts to shrug, which is difficult, because his limbs aren’t the most responsive things in the world when he’s sober, much less now, and _oh_ God, Beau or Jester or maybe even Fjord will ask questions about his drinking tomorrow, and he blew all of the energy he has for low-level restorations on doing an Augury about if Jester is secretly in love with anybody, at Nott’s request, which didn’t work because that’s not how Augury works. He’s pretty sure Jester is interested in Beau, but he didn’t tell Nott that, because Nott likes to gossip and Jester certainly wouldn’t want to get that out on someone else’s time. And then he used a restoration proper on Jester because she forgot about the hallucinogenics in her whiskey-milk. And then he did a Calm Emotions on himself so that he didn’t accidentally say something, well. Inappropriate and embarrassing to Fjord.

“How badly did I do?” he manages, when she sets him down on his bedroll and sits across from him, slightly amused expression on her face. He manages to push himself upright, mostly because he likes to sleep next to the walls, so that’s something to lean on.

“At drinking?”

“Sure, or—“

“Or… flirting? Was that flirting?”

“I think it was an attempt?” He winces, a bit. Both because his head and stomach hurt very badly, and also because he didn’t realize he was _that_ obvious. He expected Beau or Jester or Caleb to maybe notice. Because they’re pretty good at noticing. “Ugh. Alcohol that tastes _good_ should be destroyed, I think.”

“Mhm,” Yasha blinks. “You did also put trippy, uh, drug fruit in there.”

“Do you think Fjord knows that I was flirting, Yasha?”

“Hmm. I don’t know. He was very distracted. I think he’s very worried about Beau.”

“He’s _super_ worried about Beau. I am too, I feel bad that… I mean, it’s good? That we’re helping Nott and probably Beau by finding this person but also. Also. It’s not like… it’s not like I don’t understand not being ready to see you family again?”

Were Caduceus a less composed person—and he’s less composed than usual, sure, but not _that_ much—he would say, very plainly, at that little slipped-out feeling, “ _Fuck_.”

“I’ve never heard you say that before. Did I miss you starting to say, um, ruder words? When I wasn’t here.”

_Fuck_. Again. But definitely silent, this time.

“No, I’m just. Inebriated. Yasha, don’t tell the others, _please_. Don’t tell Fjord especially. I don’t want to make them nervous about me or about anything; we’re already—there’s peace talks and Travelercon, which I very much hope isn’t a cult because Jester would be hurt so badly and that’s—and I don’t wanna make it _worse_ —“

Yasha smiles, very gently—he _really_ missed Yasha’s smiles, which are so gentle and friendly that they make Caduceus’ heart feel soft, like when he was a kid, before he was very good with the lichen trick and Calliope would braid flowers into his hair to give it more color. “I don’t think that you will make anything worse for us.”

“Neither will you,” he says, because _Yasha Needs Help_ has been pretty high up in Caduceus’ mental list of priorities and ideas. “We—I— _we_ want to help you heal. Jester and I were talkin’ about it—“

“You don’t… you don’t say miss. Or mister. You used to.”

“Um. I—I think I stopped around the time I realized that I was—um. It’s not important. But. Yeah. It’s just—it happened. And. Can I braid your hair.”

“Sure?” Yasha asks, more than says, because she’s Yasha. She scoots up closer to him, and he takes her hair, and he takes flowers out of the vase in the room and starts weaving them—his fingers are a little clumsy and the ties aren’t tight, but it’s a perfectly reasonable crown for when this is done. He takes her hair—a bit tangled, thick, heavy, and puts it over one shoulder, and again, he thinks of his Calliope's hands and the flowers, but—well. The roles reversed.

He combs through it for a long while until most of the tangles are out, and then he starts to weave. Her hair is lighter, he thinks, than it was a few days ago. He will not ask, because he doesn’t like being asked about _his_ hair being lighter.

Halfway through, he hiccups, and he says, “You don’t have to be scared of us, Yasha.”

“I’m not scared of you. I am just… surprised that you are not scared of me.”

Beau walks in, at this point, trying to be stealthy and failing terribly, and Caduceus says, “Join the—I’m doing Yasha’s hair!“

A sniffle, and then—oh no, Beau’s been crying, oh, no no no—“Fuck yeah. Sure.”

She’s not crying anymore. He won’t ask, and maybe she’ll extend him the same courtesy? Hopefully? She sits down next to Caduceus, back to the wall, and says, “So. First you’ve been drunk since… since your first time to Zadash, right?”

“Does it ever _not_ make your head hurt?”

“It—okay, I have some monk shit I can do—“

“I love monk shit,” he echoes quietly, and ties Yasha’s hair off with a little beaded string attached to his pack, places the flower crown on her head.

“Yeah, and it makes alcohol, like… less potent. Fuckin’ weird. It makes this kinda stuff a lot less fun, I can’t even get past _tipsy_.”

“Mmm,” Caduceus says. “Do you want to know what. I would do. When people would come to my house. And ask me to do witch things for them?”

“What would you do?” Beau asks, and she’s really just trying to be polite.

“I would do a whole—okay, I was… I’m good at magic, but I know—knew? I guess, because I dunno where they’re—a lot less than the others who did magic, so. I could only do some tiny things. So I would make my eyes all creepy and make earthquakes and thunder sounds and I would tell them they were cursed. That was if I didn’t like them. And if I did like them, I would make them tea.”

“How did you decide whether you liked them or not?” Yasha asks.

“Well, I only ever knew that I liked people who weren’t mourners and who were just looking for help _once.”_ And he points at Beau, who is smiling. “Because they were technically mourners, and also they looked cool, and also I had this dream a few months before about them, I think? But I’m not sure if I’m just imagining _that_ part, but I think it’s a nicer story if I did have that dream. So let’s just say that I did.”

Yasha is now examining his hair, not braiding, but looking at the white. She casts a light spell to see it, and she hums, looks at Beau, who shrugs. Mouths something. He needs to learn how to read lips. He thinks he could be very good at it if he just tries a little bit harder, because he sees lots of things and the words and feelings of others are kind of his whole thing.

“Beau, can you teach me how to read lips when I’m not drunk?” Because she probably knows.

“You’re crossed, technically, right now.”

“Okay, when I’m. When I’m sober, can you teach me how to read lips?”

“I’m learning that now, actually, I don’t think I’m gonna be a great teacher—“

“Great! You’d be a _great_ teacher. You make—I did research at the library the other day, Beau, and you’re a very good example to follow. For library stuff. I found—so much cool stuff. Not as much stuff as Caleb and definitely not as much as you, though. Because you. Are so smart.”

“He’s not wrong.”

“Thanks, Cad. Yasha.” And then, “I never expected you to be a flirty drunk; I think Caleb had a bet on _sad_ —“

“Did he know that I was flirting and if so I need to—make excuses, do you have any good excuses, Beau; I hate this. Beau, I hate this so much.”

“Last time we were here, I was _super_ drunk, and I went on a long fuckin’—romantic rant. About a crush I had at the time. That I don’t have anymore—“

Bullshit. But he’ll let it slide.

“And I started talkin’ about _anchors_ —“Oh, that’s where he got the Beau-and-Jester idea from, he’s mixing things up! Okay, so that’s why Nott was asking about Jester. Interesting.

“Oh, I heard that! You guys are loud when you're drunk and louder when you're nervous. It was a bad metaphor. Because anchors sink. But! But. It occurred to me that I had an anchor thing in my pocket, the symbol that I made for him, though, so I was like, maybe anchors can be romantic.” Beau’s eyes go wide. Caduceus says, “I won’t—okay, if you don’t tell Fjord, I won’t—“

“Fuckin’ scout’s honor.”

“I think I’m pretty honorable,” he shrugs, which hurts.

“Sure. He’s not good with hints. He had no fuckin’ clue.”

“I don’t want it to be _weird_. Also, if your dad tries anything, I can send a blight to hit all of his grapes and then—“

“You don’t—okay. Alright. That’s—“

Yasha grins. “I can make him very, very frightened of me.”

“I’m okay at being frightening, too, and also, like I said. I think I said. I’m an actual forest witch. So I can very much play into that, you just—you say the word, like, this is my friend from the Savalirwood, he—“

“That’s all I need to say, then he’ll panic,” Beau says, “Thanks, but, um. Yeah, I just—I wasn’t good at being a kid—“

“Nobody is? You don’t just—like, you don’t _hit_ your kids, though. Or have them taken by monks. I know my childhood wasn’t really. Empire-y, so I guess I can’t judge, but, uh. That sounds kind of terrible to me.”

“Parents also don’t tend to leave their kids alone in the Savalirwood. Or put them in a group that makes them kill other kids. Or, like. Caleb’s childhood, teachers don’t tend to do that, or Jes’ with her mom and her god and her dad, or Fjord’s with the orphanage and shit. Or Nott’s, kids aren’t supposed to be cruel. But people—like. People are fucked up. It happens. It doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t redeem me for being shitty.”

“I disagree.”

“Feel free.”

“We’ll talk about this when I’m sober. I can't coherently do a bad childhood talk right now. I think there's a bird metaphor involved. Which is fun, because you like birds."

Dismissive, “Go for it, man."

Yasha is quiet, slowly undoing some of the smaller braids in Caduceus’ hair and then redoing them, tucking in the remaining leaves from the vase he had raided on occasion. “If he tries to touch you,” Yasha warns, eventually, “I will not leave much of him to be found.”

“I won’t leave _anyth—“_

“That was a joke.”

“That absolutely was not a joke.”

Beau sighs, stands up, pats Caduceus on the top of the head, a thing that she and Jester have both taken to when they’re on a level to do as much. And she says, “Yeah. Thanks. Whatever.” She changes the subject. “It was sweet, your—you could like shittier guys. I guess. You have alright taste.”

“She—she’s amazing. You have amazing taste. And you’re amazing. And Yasha. You’re _also_ amazing.”

“You’re gonna have the _worst_ hangover,” Beau says. Because she likes to deflect. He knows this. He understands this. Yasha does, too.

“Good night, Beau,” she says, “I hope you… I hope you sleep well.”

Beau gestures a good-night, as well, and Caduceus smiles. Mouths “good night,” and she smiles back.

Yasha finishes the last brave. Says, “You would have liked the circus.”

“You would have liked my garden. We’ll see both again, I hope.”

“Yeah,” Yasha says. Smiles. Shakes her head, starts to move back towards her bedroll. “Good luck with the hangover. I’m sure Fjord will have his fancy new healing powers to help you.”

And he mouths _fuck you_ , and Beau and Yasha don’t see it, but, well. He’s sure that if they did, they would laugh. And that means something, even if he's not quite sure what, yet.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @yahooanswer where i bully caduceus and love women and that's it. please comment! or kudo! or both! i love you!
> 
> also! notes!  
> → tried to keep this as 5e accurate as possible EXCEPT for cad's alcohol tolerance which given his size and his CON score should be higher i think. and also his thought that fjord could probably lift him is wrong unless cad is EXTRAORDINARILY underweight. which is perfectly plausible, but still.  
> → the lip reading thing is because i want beau and cad to both take the observant feat next level. please.  
> → withering cad theory rise up


End file.
